You need to hear Elton John dishing on his famous friends (and himself)

Who among us hasn’t done something a little nefarious and underhanded to get a leg up on a competitor? And who hasn't berated a teammate when things didn't go our way in a friendly game? You might think your stories are fun little anecdotes, but we can promise you they're child's play in comparison to the celeb-heavy, hard-partying, fruit-throwing stories of one Sir Elton John.Tuesday night on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, John, who was promoting his new memoir and farewell tour, revealed that in his many decades of feather boas, platform shoes, and absolutely fabulous sunglasses, he's done a dirty deed or two—or 12—including the time he tried to off Stevie Wonder and the time he pelted Bob Dylan with oranges.Elton recalled a story from one winter when he and some friends were staying at the Caribou Ranch in Colorado and Stevie Wonder said that he wanted to head out on a snowmobile in a snowstorm. And Elton let him. Alone.Let that sink in.To a giggling Jimmy, John added, “And we thought, 'That’s another rival gone. That’s him out the way. We just need to get Phil Collins and Rod Stewart on there now.'” Ice cold. The interview didn’t stop there; the complete 10-minute segment was loaded with wild stories, F-bombs and wacky celebrity encounters.Elton recalled playing charades at Neil Diamond’s house in 1970 with a woefully inept Bob Dylan. "The greatest poet in the world, could he do ‘sounds like,’ or ‘two syllables?’ No. And he was on my team," John recalled. "And I am a competitive m***f***ker. I threw oranges at him." After a round of laughter and gasps from the audience, he added, "They were small, they were satsumas."After regaling the audience with a hallucinogenic story from his wild-child days, ("I rang the office up in London and said it was so windy out, could someone come and stop it?"), John revealed he finds zen and transcendence from—wait for it—shredding paper. Sure, sounds relaxing—except when Sir Elton and Canadian David Furnish were planning their civil partnership in 2005, Elton accidentally shredded the seating arrangement. "David asked where the table planning was, and I just ran out the room," he admitted.But if we may be so bold, the most outlandish, wild, crazy, and frankly unacceptable-for-late-night tidbit from Sir Elton came when he revealed he doesn’t have a cell phone. JUST. IMAGINE. THE. HORROR.[video_embed id='1696219']RELATED: ‘Rocketman’ is an epic musical celebration of Elton John’s life[/video_embed]