Cara Delevingne admits she was ‘probably quite homophobic’ before exploring her own sexuality

Cara Delevingne may be unafraid to share her relationships with the world now, but like many people, she wasn’t always so confident in her own desires and sexual identity. She recently admitted that before she came out, she felt a lot of self-hatred linked to internalized homophobia.

“I was so ashamed of ever being that,” she told Gwyneth Paltrow on the goop podcast earlier this week. “But, actually, that was the part of me that I love so much and accept.”

Delevigne, who says she was once a committed people-pleaser (even to her own detriment) now identifies as pansexual, but when she was younger, she faced so much confusion over her sexual identity that at times, she felt suicidal.

“I kind of grew up in a – I wouldn’t say ‘homophobic’ – I would say more like, quite an old-fashioned household, let’s say, in terms of I didn’t know anyone who was gay,” she admitted. “I didn’t know that was a thing and actually, I think growing up… I wasn’t knowledgeable of the fact I was probably quite homophobic.”

“I was just disgusted by that in myself,” she continued. “The shame and the self-hatred -- and I do kind of correlate the massive depression and suicidal moments of my life because I was so ashamed.”

Delevingne added that while she still has moments when she thinks “Oh, I wish I could just be straight,” she credits her ability to love who she loves openly to those who have paved the way for queer identity acceptance and celebration. On a more personal note, she says she’s grateful to all the people she’s fallen in love with or had relationships and “experiences” with for helping her understand her own identity.

Part of the process was experimenting with her gender expression, but Cara says her job as a runway model for brands like Burberry, Chanel and Louis Vuitton didn’t make things easier. “I was so unhappy and I wasn’t following my truth, especially in terms of being a model. That whole thing of having to fit into the box — I’m an androgynous person,” she explained, alluding to the fact that donning dresses and sitting for hours of hair and makeup in an effort to embody a “feminine” stereotype could at times feel fraudulent. “I love being a woman and dressing up and doing all that,” she said. “But I also love being a rough and tumble ‘man.’”

Things became easier for Delevingne when she felt free to talk about who she was in terms of gender and sexuality but she also confessed that they continue to be “really complicated” things that she feels are ever-changeable. She says that the space she feels most at home in is one where sexuality and attraction remain fluid.

“I feel so much more comfortable in the fluidity of what it is to be just a human and to be an animal, almost, because that’s what we are,” she told Paltrow, “To trust in your own instincts.”

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